The touchiest subjects a pregnant couple may encounter is love-making. Unborn babies have a tendency to disrupt what was once a steamy, fantastical sex life and turn it into an awkward, tiring and sometimes belaboring experience for both parties. Over several months post-conception, the sporadic love-making sessions of the pre-child years gradually give way to claims of “I’m too tired,” “I just feel unattractive right now” or “Let’s hold off until this child quits tap-dancing my vagina.”
Pregnant women can’t enjoy sex or that pregnancy is a death sentence to a couple’s physical intimacy. In fact, pregnancy have the opposite effect depending on the swing of the hormonal tide, but in general it would be naive to assume that sex in any form will proceed as normal while pregnant. That said, don’t fret, sexually-frustrated reader, because I’m here to tell you that you can make love to your pregnant spouse right NOW.
“But random BabyCenter blogger, I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” you might say. “My pregnant spouse compares herself to a different barnyard animal every week, and she’s currently browsing eBay for used Rascal scooters. I’m just not sure making love is on her to-do list at the moment.”
Of course it is. You’re just going about in the worst way possible. If you want to make love to a pregnant woman without being shut out like the Cleveland Browns on game day, here’s what you do.
The first step in making love to a pregnant woman to set the mood. You need to do this subtly because a woman’s mind-reading powers are only enhanced by the second brain growing in her uterus. Try drawing your spouse a bath and telling her to go take some time for herself. Grab whatever child-themed bubble bath you currently have stocked for your other children or yourself and fill it up. Don’t be stingy because this is no time to skimp. You’re aiming for a bubble apocalypse here, a level of foaming that would sexually excite a doomsday prepper.
Once you’ve coaxed your pregnant spouse into her bubble wonderland, leave the room. As you exit, casually mention that you’re going to get started on a random household task. Preferably it’s something that she’s been asking you about for weeks, or one of her own weekly tasks that she dreads. Maybe it’s fixing a running toilet. Or laundry. Or vacuuming. Maybe you’re just going to wash your own coffee mug for once. Whatever it is, go do that and at least two more equivalent tasks until 30 minutes have passed. Your spouse should be nice and relaxed now.
Now, reader, pay attention because this is where it gets hot.
Gently knock on the bathroom door and ask your spouse if she needs anything. Don’t tell her about the wonderful things you’ve been up to so far, but DO tell her that you’ve got a surprise for her when she’s ready. Wink if you want to add an air of creepiness, but refrain from pointing at your crotch and thrusting.
After she gets out of the bathtub and dries off, tell her to lie down and get comfortable. She may be getting suspicious at this point, which is normal, especially if you disobeyed my crotch-pointing instructions. Don’t panic. If you think your spouse may be fleeing the room, sit her down and grab her foot. Start rubbing. Rub some more. Rub her feet like you’re trying to excise a cramp from LeBron James’ foot in game seven of the NBA Finals. If you’re any good, she’ll lie back and start moaning. That’s a good thing. Here’s where you make your move, Casanova.
At the precise second your foot rubbing has melted your spouse into a euphoric blob, disclose the honey-do list you spent the last 30 minutes completing. Start small and build it up, starting with how you emptied the dishwasher. Don’t forget to keep massaging the pregnancy out of her feet. She won’t even know what’s happening until you drop the bomb that you finally patched up the hole in the wall from the Great Taebo Incident of 2012, which should send her into a climactic frenzy of Harry-met-Sally proportions.
Wow. You have just made love to a pregnant woman. Behold the near-comatose spouse in front of you and bask in the satisfaction that you, and you alone, made that happen.
“But wait,” you might be saying. “You were supposed to tell me how to have sex with my pregnant spouse.”
No, what I actually said was I’d tell you how to make love to your pregnant spouse. That doesn’t always mean sex, but here’s a consolation prize: There will come a day after the baby arrives that your spouse will remember that time you told her to take a bath, rubbed her feet and HGTV’ed your way around the house like a sexy Bob Vila. (Or just regular Bob Vila, if that’s her thing.) She’ll be so overwhelmed with gratitude that she’ll want to repay you in kind. And then it will be her turn to make love to you.
7 Ways to Get in the Mood for Pregnancy Sex
BY MELISSA WILLETS
You’re bloated, hormonal, tired, and nauseous, like, all the time. It’s no wonder sex is the last thing on your mind during pregnancy. But staying connected with your partner is in some ways more important than ever since your baby will depend on your united front for love and stability. Plus, having intercourse during pregnancy can actually be beneficial for you, and even baby, and psst, enjoyable!
“Pregnant women with strong healthy relationships lead to healthier behaviors during pregnancy and better birth outcomes,” explains Brett Worly, MD, an OB/GYN and female sexual dysfunction expert at The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center in Columbus. “Intimacy and sex help provide feelings of happiness, pleasure, closeness, and vitality,” adds New York City-based sex therapist Madeleine Castellanos, MD.
“For some women pregnancy means liberation, when they no longer have to worry about contraception,” Worly says, but for others, getting in the mood is harder than finding a comfortable sleeping position. The latter camp: these tips are for you.
Take it slowly
If you’re feeling anxious about getting in nookie at all, don’t sweat it. “Pregnancy is not a time to pressure a woman into sex, make her feel bad about her body, or make her feel guilty if her libido is not as strong as it once was,” Worly says. “Increasing desire and emotional connection can be really helpful in any person and at any time, and pregnancy is no exception.” He recommends studying up with books such as Rekindling Desire or Passionate Marriage. Then, try focusing on what gives pleasure, be it a foot massage (which increases oxytocin and arousal), or self-pleasuring.
Take advantage of your second trimester
During pregnancy, sex may come to a grinding halt, especially at first. “Usually women are much less amorous during their first trimester simply because they just don’t feel well,” says Castellanos. The good news? Many women feel better during the second trimester, so it’s worth getting in as much as you can those three months, since the third trimester brings further obstacles (hello, huge bump!).
Put matter over mind
Impediments to intercourse are often more than just physical. “Body parts that were usually used mostly for sexual intimacy now have implications beyond that role, as motherhood approaches,” Worly explains. You may also worry (unnecessarily) that intercourse will harm the baby. “The design of a woman’s body is such that a baby is well protected in the uterus during pregnancy. Because of the cervix, the penis cannot touch the baby and so cannot hurt the baby at all! Sexual activity is no more dangerous or disturbing for a fetus than the woman riding in a car over potholes or a speed bump,” Castellanos reassures. “I recommend that partners focus on what is most erotic for them in order to fill their mind with sexy thoughts rather than anxious thoughts that will keep them disconnected from their own arousal.”
No screens in bed
Ditching distracting technology from the bedroom can help boost your one-to-one time (i.e. PUT DOWN THE GOOGLE MACHINE). After all, physical intimacy grows out of an emotional connection, Worly says: “Optimally couples would have 30-60 minutes daily to connect in an uninterrupted, screen-free zone.”
Cultivate a dirty mind
Thinking about sex even when you’re not in the middle of it will keep you in the right frame of mind when you are. “It is vital that couples create space for the erotic in their lives—both with time set aside for sex and closeness, as well as with mental attention devoted to positive thoughts about sex,” Castellanos says.
Pregnancy hormones can cause vaginal dryness, according to Castellanos. “When couples are ready for intimacy using a lubricant like Replens Silky Smooth or Wet Platinum will help make things more pleasurable and erotic,” she says.
Find the right position
Be sure to find a comfortable position for sex—and getting creative with pillows helps! “Usually laying on her left side will be the most comfortable without decreasing circulation to the baby,” Castellanos advises.
5 Orgasmic Pregnancy Sex Positions By Jill Hamilton
Pregnancy is a great time for sex. Not kidding. For one, you’re not going to get pregnant again, at least not at the moment, so no worries there. And if you have any body image hang-ups (*angrily shakes fist at society*), you can go ahead and flush those down the toilet. Yes, you’re huge, but you’re supposed to be huge — you know, for the baby. None of this matters, though, because you’re also riding some insane hormone surges that give you sudden desperate urges to have sex, like, now. Here are some crazy-hot ways to do it that are 100 percent pregnant-lady-approved.
- Bun in the Oven
You’re not supposed to lie on your back too much during the second and third trimesters, so straight-on missionary is pretty much off the menu. But if that’s your favorite position, turn it on its side by putting a pillow under one side of your butt and back. Have him lie facing you on his side and intertwine his legs with yours. If your belly’s getting in the way, he can lean his torso away from you and thrust more straight up into you. All the benefits of missionary — that is, you can just lie there (during pregnancy this will seem hugely appealing) — without the notable drawback of compressing the vena cava, a vein you’ll be needing to properly Give Life and whatnot.
2. Womb With a View
Pregnancy means lots of doggy-style sex. Spice it up by moving to the living room, and kneeling on the couch, facing the back. He’ll also be in fine position to reach around and stroke your labia, which — like seemingly everything else on your body during these months — is swollen as hell. In this case though, that’s a good thing. Real good. Oh, you’ll see.
3. Peas in a Pod
Spooning is a good go-to position during the third trimester because your tremendous belly will be getting in the way of your Love. (This will not be the last time your kid does this.) To make it mind-blowing: Hold a bullet vibrator on your clit by squeezing your legs tightly together as he rocks into you from behind. No better way to feel both turned on and well-loved than a cuddly spoon fuck.
4. Bedside Service
Prop yourself up on a ton of pillows and sit at the edge of the bed, opening your legs wide. He can kneel or stand, and adjust your pillow situation for height. Once you hit optimal pillow placement, rub your clit while you both watch his smooth, slow thrusts into your gorgeous round body. And if you can’t reach your clit, have him rub it for you.
5. There’s a lot about the whole “birthing a child” experience that will make you feel animalistic and undignified (oh, just wait ’til you meet the breast pump). So embrace your primal nature by having him kneel on the bed and sitting back on his lap in sort of a kneeling reverse cowgirl — then do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. (Sorry, that song was gross, but you get it.) Moan loudly and let yourself go feral. Cathartic and super hot.
Jill Hamilton writes the blog In Bed With Married Women. Follow her on Twitter.
funny right! but this gonna get her up.